Keeping up with the Hatakes
by DinoGlitter
Summary: Hatake Sakumo is one of the most influential and powerful figures of the Konoha social elite. Raising 9 kids with a man who can do it all isn't easy. The fact that all of his children seem to respect his husband more than him adds up to some hilarious hijinks and overall masterful pettiness.
1. Brunch of Thrones Part 1

_The Hatake clan is one of the oldest and most respected clans in Konoha history. Over The years the clan has dwindled until only one family remained. Sakumo Hatake, the clan head, is the patriarch of the Hatake household. His first wife died tragically in childbirth leaving him to raise his eldest son, Kakashi, alone. However, 3 years later found him happily married to the brilliant bio-chemist Orochimaru who brought with him a daughter named Nure. Now, 23 years later, the couple is thriving in the business world with no sign of stopping anytime soon. The couple now has 9 children in all, each just as brilliant as their famous parents, but every family has some wild antics. Join us as we go inside the lives of one of Konoha's elite families. This is Keeping up with the Hatakes._

A pale slender person with their dark hair tied up in a perfect round bun was shuffling around the kitchen in a violet silk robe. Their skilled hand chopping a large amount of vegetables and herbs on a cutting board. 2 Alaskan Malamutes sat near their feet eyeing the bacon and sausage cooking on the stove. They were so focused on their work that they didn't notice an equally pale figure with the same long black hair come into the spacious kitchen and lean on the center island counter.

"Oro, do you need any help?" A husky female voice asked causing the other figure to turn around.

Orochimaru was beautiful for his age. His soft androgynous face was more narrow compared to his daughter's rounded cheeks, but if you didn't know they were parent and child you would assume they were twins. He smiled at his child setting the knife in his hand on the counter.

"I suppose." He said smoothly as he washed off his hands. "I'll go wake the horde if you finish up the quiches."

Orochimaru dried his hands before leaving the kitchen in the hands of his eldest daughter.

 _*Confessional*_

" _My name is Orochimaru Hatake, I am the husband of Sakumo Hatake." The pale male smirked crossing his arms across his chest. "We have 9 kids. They are Kakashi, Nure, Rogu, Kabuto, Kimimaro, Sakon, Ukon, Kin, and our baby Mitsuki. Fortunately 4 of the kids managed to have similar temperaments to me. Unfortunately the rest of them act like Sakumo."_

Orochimaru made his way upstairs and stopped at the landing before taking a deep breath. This was the most irritating thing he had to do almost every day. He made his way to the first of several doors. A large Halloween wreath made with pastel colored plastic bones and skulls decorated its surface. He sighed opening the door.

 _*Confessional*_

" _I don't envy my parent for going to wake up everyone." Nure said with a sigh. "The first and last time I did it I had to get a haircut because the twins burned off my hair with sparklers."_

 _Nure glanced down in irritation as she grit her teeth._

" _Please, don't ask."_

Orochimaru entered the dimly lit room quietly making his way over to the curtained window. He drew the fabric aside, allowing the bright sunshine to stream in and hit his middle child directly in his peacefully sleeping face. The teen groans in protest brushing his shoulder length silvery grey hair out of his face and cracking open a single eye.

"Morning Oro." He mumbled sitting up slowly.

Orochimaru smiled down at his son running fingers through his soft tresses. Kimimaro is the easiest of the younger kids to wake and never puts up a fuss. The only thing he had ever gotten angry about was his older brother picking on his boyfriend Juugo. The 15 year old groggily got to his feet rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Get dressed you sister is finishing up the food." Orochimaru cooed making his way to the door. "You don't want your younger siblings to get there first."

 _*confessional*_

 _Kimimaro glared at the camera with a icy demeanor._

" _Last Sunday brunch the idiots ate all the pastries before I could make it to the table."_

 _A wicked grin started to stretch across his angelic face._

" _In retaliation I left Shiro and Kaze's poop in their beds…..for a month."_

Orochimaru sighed walking across the hall and opening the door to his 4th child's room. Kabuto, similar to Kimimaro, was relatively easy to wake. He didn't fuss, but he did trip over everything within 3 feet of him if he wasn't fully awake. Orochimaru handed the tired teen his glasses and received a nod of thanks. He came home from college every weekend for Sunday brunch. He claims he does it for Oro, but his siblings know it's for the poolboy who comes on Saturdays.

The next room the parent enters is his youngest daughter's. Kin was a martial arts enthusiast and a musician. Her room was an eclectic mix of Bruce Lee posters and sheet music. A large harp sat in one corner with a theremin beside it. His 12 year old had a loose grasp on a copper colored lyre as she slept. Orochimaru smirked before pulling his phone out of his robe pocket. He scrolled through his sound library until he found exactly what he was looking for. He turned the volume up and placed it next to her head before pressing play.

"ORO, KIN BROKE THE TV WITH HER NUNCHUCKS!" The shrill scream of the twins sounded through the room.

Kin snapped awake startled and angry.

"I DID NOT YOU JOJO's BIZARRE REJECTS!"

 _*Confessional*_

" _Never said I was gentle about waking the hellions." Orochimaru smirked viciously. "I know how to play these kids to their faults."_

Kin stared at her parent in shock trying to shake off the rude awakening. Her long dark hair and vicious scowl proving exactly how she was related to her parent.

"ORO HOW COULD YOU!" She shrieked after the male's amused retreating form.

"Get downstairs child." Orochimaru snickered.

He left the room only to collide with a smirking Rogu. The tall 21 year old was Sakumo and Orochimaru's first child together. The biochemist went through the in vitro fertilization process with every child they had together. He oversaw their test tube stage and Sakumo picked the surrogates. Rogu had Orochimaru's eyes and his calculating demeanor, but as soon as his mouth opened it was all Sakumo Hatake. He was flirtatious and sassy, but loyal above all else. He and his girlfriend Guren had been together for a little over a year.

"I can get dad up for you if you like Oro. I already woke Kakashi, Obito is here by the way, and the twins are on their computers." Rogu grinned.

Orochimaru clicked his tongue in dissatisfaction.

"Were they up all night again?" He asked testily.

Rogu just grinned making his way downstairs.

Orochimaru huffed opening the door at the end of the hall to the sound of shouted insults and laughter from the speaker system. The twins room was a mess of visual kei memorabilia and anime merch. The twins and their computers were set side by side and rigged up with the best streaming equipment they could buy. Their parent scowled walking over to them.

"Alright chat who's ready to see Uchiha lose?" Sakon smirked.

A snort came through the speakers along with 2 separate sets of laughter.

"As if, you're gonna be my bitch Hatake." The distinctive voice of Sasuke Uchiha drawled.

"You wish asshole, you have yet to put any of us on a hook." Ukon mumbled.

"They got you there sassy!" A brash voice laughed.

"GENERATOR UP GUYS!" Another voice called causing cheers to ring out and Sasuke to groan.

"Don't get mad Sassy, you were the one who wanted to be the slow ass nurse." Sakon grinned glancing up a second only to scream falling out of his chair. Ukon confused looked as well a quickly repeated his twins actions.

"Guys. You ok? What happened?" one of the voices asked.

"Yeah." The other unknown snickered. "You guys just freaked out, live may I add, and fell out of your chairs. What scared you so bad?"

Orochimaru smirked and took that as his cue to duck into the camera's sight.

"I'm sorry but the twins are coming down for brunch, I'm sure you can use this opportunity to take your win Sasuke-chan."

"I'll send some of my mom's tea blends as a thank you." Sasuke replied in obvious amusement.

"WAIT! ORO YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" The twins yelled in unison as they watched their parent leave the room.

"You can play after brunch is over." He called over his shoulder.

*Confessional*

" _I can't believe Oro would do that!" Sakon growled._

" _10 win streak out the window." Ukon sighed._

" _Now Uchiha's bitch ass is gonna rub it in our faces." Sakon huffed._

" _Suigetsu and Naruto will laugh." Ukon said softly._

" _And our chat thinks our parent is hot and won't stop asking about him." Sakon growled._

" _Fuck my life." Ukon mumbled causing Sakon to nod in agreement._

By the time Orochimaru made it to the night time forest themed nursery Mitsuki was up and shrieking happily as he played with a large stuffed python and wolf. He looked up with large gold eyes and grinned upon seeing his parent. Mitsuki looked eerily similar to his brother Rogu and Orochimaru took that as a sign for this child to be their last.

"Oro up!" Mitsuki cheered raising his pale hands in the air making grabbing motions.

Orochimaru smiled at his youngest, carefully lifting the small light blue haired child from his crib. He place a light kiss to the boys forehead as he settled Mitsuki on his hip. He made his way back downstairs and into the loud Sun lit dining room. Nure and Kimimaro were setting trays of bacon, sausage, and potatoes down as Kakashi sauntered in with 2 large pitchers. Sakumo approached his husband with a grin and reached for Mitsuki.

"No, my Oro!" Mitsuki called snuggling into his parent's shoulder as he stuck his tongue out at his father.

Sakumo's face fell dramatically as he tried to coax his youngest into a hug.

"Suki-chan don't you want to give papa a hug?" He asked hopefully.

"No, Oro." Mitsuki said clinging to Orochimaru harder.

Parent and baby smirked seeing Sakumo's crestfallen face.

 _*Confessional*_

" _I take it back." Orochimaru chucked. "It seems 5 of the children took after my genius."_

After setting Mitsuki in his high chair Orochimaru took a seat beside Sakumo's sulking form. Kakashi grinned pushing one pitcher toward him.

"Mimosa Oro?" He asked mischievously.

Orochimaru snached the pitcher up and poured himself a large glass. As soon as he took his first sip Kakashi said something truly irritating.

"So Minato-sensei and his family want to join us for dinner." He says. "And then Mikoto-senpai found out and invited herself and her kids over as well, so we are going to have a full house tonight."

Orochimaru felt his eye twitch in annoyance.

 _*Confessional*_

" _Our home at any given moment houses about…..15 children. Well not technically children but you get it. 9 of them are usually mine I don't know where the other 6 came from. God children I believe. I looked up one morning and glanced around the breakfast table and there were just children everywhere. So you know what I did? I sat back sipped my drink of choice that day and turned a blind eye. I was not going to deal with it. My husband obviously did not care and I was beyond giving any shit's. So we just accept mouths to feed with our own brand of petty passive aggressive flair." Orochimaru rants before downing a full glass of his champagne heavy Mimosa._

Sakumo put his head in his hands and groans.

"I also invited Zabuza and Haku." Nure smiled serenely as she poured herself a glass of orange juice.

Sakumo dropped his head to the table groaning even louder. He disliked the brash man with a passion like no other. No man would ever be good for his babies. Orochimaru side eyes his husband before rolling them and serving himself some bacon and quiche.

 _*Confessional*_

" _We Hatake kids have a game we play every Sunday brunch." Nure smirks. "We try to see who can get father to snap in anger first."_

 _She giggled mischievously._

" _The winner gets Oro to themselves for a day." She grins. "I've won the last 3 times."_

Rogu smiled at his elder brother with a smile that meant nothing but humiliation for its target.

"So Kashi, how many admires did your boyfriend try to stab last week?" Rogu smirked stabbing into his potatoes.

Obito glared at the younger male.

"3 if your really that curious brat." He sneered.

Rogu snorted giving Kakashi a knowing look. Which was returned with a half-hearted shrug.

 _*Confessional*_

 _One thing I can say with absolute certainty and joy, is that I never slept with my shit starting best friend. Unfortunately I cannot say the same for Kashi. I told him Uchihas are dramatic, instigating, and nosey. Now look at his situation. He tied himself to a batshit insane Uchiha that is no doubt going to set something of his on fire someday." Rogu sighs. "That whole family has a screw loose. Especially that brat Sasuke."_

"Speaking of admirers." Kin smiled taking a sip of her juice. "How's your boyfriend Kimi?"

The 15 year old gave the girl a glare that could freeze hell twice over. Sakumo snapped his head in their direction with narrowed eyes.

"Yes, please tell us." The patriarch gritted out.

 _*Confessional*_

" _Father has the uncanny ability to know when his children are with another man. I didn't tell him about Juugo until we had already been dating for 6 months, but he stared me down that entire time." Kimimaro sighed slouching in his seat with a defeated expression. "Damn it! Why can't kin ever keep her big mouth shut?!"_

"He's fine." Kimimaro glared turning back to his food with the intent to ignore the girl for the rest of the day.

"Drop it Kin, you don't see us pestering you over your little gang of hoodlum males." Kabuto sniffed primly causing his father to nearly choke on a piece of cantaloupe. "What were their names? Dosu and Zazu?"

"Zaku!" She snapped before her eyes widened and she covered her mouth in shock.

She slowly glanced over at her shocked father As snickering could be heard around the table.

 _*Confessional*_

 _Rogu laughed before giving an amused smirk. "You may think that little 4 eyed freak is harmless, but you would be wrong. You should never forget Oro raised us. We all have tongues that could cut you down in a heartbeat."_

"Oro!" Nure calls loudly over the tense room. " How are things going with the club?"

She had effectively cut her siblings off from another argument and was trying to prevent them from winning the bruch game. Orochimaru smirked at her obvious manipulations. He chuckled lightly before obliging her.

 _*Confessional*_

 _I've been with the konoha housewife club for a little over 10 years. I was basically conned into being here because I had a mother-son relationship with my mentors wife. She strong-armed me into this and I had to accept or she would tell my mortal enemy where I live. She's an evil woman I love her so much I want to be her one day._

"We are planning a bake sale to raise money for the Konoha Orphans fund, Biwako has demanded I make my matcha meringues and anko mochi." He replied calmly taking a bite of his nearly finished quiche.

He waited as the silence settled in around the table. One by one the kids turned their heads and stared with wide eyes. It was a well known fact that their parent stress baked his ass off at least once a month. When it happened the Hatake house swarmed like a plague of locusts. His speciality just so happens to be desserts with traditional and subtle flavors. Orochimaru could already tell he would have another war on his hands.

"Good for you sweetheart." Sakumo grinned. "Are you going to save us any?"

"I'm afraid the order she gave me leaves little room for extras." Orochimaru smiled mischievous.

"Oro!" Kin called out in disbelief.

A few others groaned in dissatisfaction as well. Sakumo gave his partner a knowing look.

"Don't worry." Orochimaru smiled at his kids. "I made dango early this morning to tide you over."

Before his sentence could finish the table was vacated. Shouts and thumping could be heard from the kitchen as Orochimaru sat back with a smirk.

 _*Confessional*_

" _Did I forget to say I fed them all to Shiro and Kaze?" Orochimaru grinned with a sadistic glint in his eye. "Oops."_


	2. Brunch of Thrones Part 2

' _If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 'Fifteen miles to the' Loooooove Shack, Love Shack yeeeeah'_

"Oh my gods kill me now." Kin groaned as the 80s pop drifted into her room.

Sakon and Ukon paused in the middle of their heated chat debate and scowled in disgust. A few doors down Kimimaro sighed in resignation clutching a pillow over his head. Kabuto turned the volume of his headphones up to drown out the noise. Baby Mitsuki continued to sleep peacefully clutching his snake to his chest. Rogu snatched his cigarettes off of his dresser and made his way out of the house without a word. Kakashi lounged back on the living room sofa with an irritating grin on his covered face that made Nure and Obito sneer.

*Confessional*

" _If you ever hear love shack by the B52s coming from the house, then it means my parents are fucking." Kakashi snickered._

 _Nure shoved him in the shoulder before facing the camera._

" _I don't know if Oro picked it to mess with us or if dad picked it just because he generally feels like it gets him in the mood. It sucks for us either way." Nure said woefully. "Why couldn't they do it to something more sexy? I bet Madara Uchiha screws to something like earned it. That man is perfect._

" _We do not have sex to love shack. We just play that to screw with the kids. I actually play Sade when I'm trying to get Oro in the mood. Nothing like smooth operator to get the blood flowing South." Sakumo smirked._

Orochimaru sat at his vanity with a wicked grin on his lips. He ran a brush through his thick ebony hair as he watched his husband dance to the cheesy pop song. He pulled his hair over one shoulder and started to braid it. He felt a tug on his violet long sleeve shirt and turned to meet the excited coal eyes of Sakumo.

"Yes dear."

"Think we tortured the kids enough?" Sakumo asked tugging his waif like husband up into his arms.

"Come now, surely we roll in the sheets longer than an hour." Orochimaru cooed in Sakumo's ear.

Sakumo shuddered dropping his gaze down to his husbands yoga pants covered thighs. He dragged his hands from Orochimaru's back down to his hips.

"You're killing me baby." Sakumo groaned as he nuzzled into his husband's neck.

Orochimaru chuckled running his fingers through Sakumo's messy locks. He smirked before running his tongue along the shell of the taller's ear. Sakumo moaned in response.

"A little death would do you some good." Orochimaru breathed in his ear before making his way out of the master bedroom.

Sakumo could only watch the pale beauty as he left with a broken whine.

Rogu leaned against the wooden railing of the back patio and gave a relieved sigh when Love Shack was finally turned off. He had spent the past hour outside watching the dogs run around. He put his cigarette out in the nearby ashtray before making his way back inside where he walked directly into his parent. Orochimaru only smiled as he continued toward his study.

"I'm starting dinner around 5 can you make sure your siblings know? Kushina and Mikoto said they would arrive at 6." He said to Rogu.

"Sure." Rogu answered watching his parent leave with furrowed brows.

*Confessional*

" _Oh god Oro's wearing yoga pants. Dad is going to end up killing his friends for staring. I don't blame him, but Oro is scary in his own right. He can defend himself just fine." Rogu grimaced. "To be fair to dad, Oro does fill those pants out way better than one would think with his age. He, Kinako Mitarishi, and Izuna Uchiha all dance and do yoga together 3 times a week. I remember once when dad walked in on Oro practicing his "Havana" routine and dad blanked out with a nose bleed. We wanted to take dad to the hospital, but Oro just told us to leave dad to be an idiot._

Sakumo waited for awhile after his teasing partner left to calm himself down. Orochimaru loved to rile him up and leave him wanting. As he stepped out of the master suite he took note of the near silence of the usually bustling house. He made his way upstairs and happened to pass Kabuto leaving the bathroom.

"Where is everyone? It's like a ghost town in here."

Kabuto gave his father a bored stare.

"They all tried to drown out you and Oro so they are no doubt in their rooms with headphones on to stay sane."

"Even Rogu ,Nure ,and kashi?"

"Rogu is smoking, Nure went to pick up her boy toy and fake kid from somewhere, and Kakashi is doing who knows what in his lair."

*Confessional*

" _You would think with how full this house is all the time that no one had school or a job to get to. I know Rogu's band is here recording their new album, and Nure always waits to leave the day after Sunday brunch since she lives in Kiri, but what the fuck is Kakashi doing here." Kabuto complained crossing his arms across his chest defiantly._

" _Kabuto was always an opportunist and never did anything unless he felt he could gain from it. I don't really know where the teen got that mind set. Orochimaru may be cynical and often cold when he is working, but he never let that persona into our home. Our home is a safe space that we made so that our family would never have to hide. Kabuto is kind of a prick 24/7 apparently. I love my kids, but I will always call them out on their bullshit." Sakumo said lazily as he leaned back in his chair._

Sakumo shooed the teen away and made his way to his husbands study. He leaned against the door jam and watched the pale man curled up on his suede love seat with a medical journal in hand. He cleared his throat to gain the other's attention. Orochimaru looked up with a small smirk on his lips. Sakumo eased his way into the room and settled on the arm of the sofa. Orochimaru smiled up at him and kissed his cheek.

"What's for dinner tonight doll face?"

"Well I decided to make lasagna since it's just a casual dinner. Maybe a nice salad and garlic bread to go with it."

"That arugula citrus salad you made last week was really good you should make that."

Orochimaru gave Sakumo a soft smile as he stood from his seat.

"You'll have to help me out in the kitchen then." He grinned. "You can keep your mutts in line so they will stop begging for table scraps."

Sakumo nodded and happily followed him to the kitchen.

At 6:15 the chiming of the front doorbell rang through the house. Orochimaru put his mittens down after checking the lasagna and made his way to the door. After looking through the peephole he smiled before opening the Mosaic stained glass door.

"Mikoto it's so good to see you. I see you've brought more than just your husband and children with you."

Makoto blushed at his words before hurrying with an apology.

" I'm sorry, but once Izuna caught word that we were coming over he decided to join and dragged Shisui with him." She apologized.

"No matter there's plenty of food for everyone."

Mikoto nodded as she entered the home with her family. Orochimaru led them to the family room and got them settled before he turned back toward the kitchen. He paused at the threshold and glanced over his shoulder.

"Oh and Kushina and Minato will be coming as well with Naruto."

"That's wonderful." She beamed.

Fugaku sank into the sofa with a manly pout and Sasuke visibly perked up at Naruto's name. Orochimaru faced the stairs and shouted.

"Snakelets we have guests!"

He then proceeded into the kitchen to finish with the food. A few seconds later the snickers of the twins alerted the Uchiha's to the teenage Hatakes defending the staircase. Sakon poked at Kimimaro who swats him in retaliation. Ukon smiled at their antics but frowned when his eyes landed on Sasuke. The young Uchiha smirked. Kabuto shouldered past the rest of the silver haired brood to settle in a lazy boy in the far corner avoiding everyone in the room. Shisui smirked as his eyes stayed glued on their parents movements in the kitchen.

"Hey double trouble." He called attracting the twins attention. "What do you think your father would do to me if I hit on your dad?"

His question caused his family to groan in exasperation. This was not a new endeavor for the older teen. In fact, this train of thought was so constant that most of his clan nearly zoned him out when he started to speak on anything involving Orochimaru Hatake. The twins sneered in disgust before the expression morphed into a form of pity. He wasn't the first or the last to fall for their parents oblivious charms. But deep down they knew their parent was in no way oblivious to how he made people feel about him.

*Confessional*

" _Father is possessive of Oro." Ukon mumbled._

" _When we went on vacation to Kumo 3 months ago and our guide was complementing Oro's hair. Father punched him in the throat." Sakon explained._

" _It was fucking beautiful." Ukon smirked._

Sakumo and Orochimaru exited from the kitchen with the later heading upstairs to wake Mitsuki. Sakumo grinned and announced dinner was ready and they were just waiting for the Namikaze household. As if summoned the bright rays of sunshine known as Naruto and Minato sprang into the room with grins that could blind.

"We're here and demand sustenance!"

Kushina smiled behind the blondes just as eager. Sakumo rolled his eyes before leading them to the dining room.

Sakumo pulled the lasagna from the oven causing the smell to drift through the house. The elder Hatake children flooded in taking their seats. Nure grinning as she sat Haku beside her parent's chair. Orochimaru entered and settled Mitsuki's cheerful form into the highchair between his and Sakumo's seat.

The group all settled in and started to pash dishes and drinks around the table. Sakumo poured a large glass of moscato for his husband earning a kiss for his deeds. As everyone tucked in with light conversation and compliments on the food The eldest of the Uchiha brood prepared himself. Shisui glaced at Itachi and nodded. The younger's expression immediately shifted to fear as he shook his head in discouragement. Shisui grinned an mouthed yes before turning to face Orochimaru near the head of the table. The Hatake kids as well as the Uzumaki-Namikaze's watched on in morbid fascination after witnessing the odd looks..

"So Oro…" Shisui started in a suave tone catching both his and Sakumo's attention.

Orochimaru raised a finely arched brow in amusement.

This ought to be good.

"I was wondering if you might consider taking me on as a student. I've always been a hard worker and I'm not a stranger to rough activity." Shisui smirked. "I'd even be willing to try pole dancing if that's more your style."

*Confessional*

" _Well shit." Kakashi says slightly wide eyed._

" _Shisui has a God damned death wish." Obito adds with his face in his hands._

" _That little shit better be glad I was trying to feed Suki-chan." Sakumo growls._

" _Izuna's spawn thinks he's hot shit. Let me tell you something; There never has nor will there ever be a man hotter than Sakumo Hatake." Orochimaru grins. "Well…... except for maybe Madara-kun. That man is just as perfect as Sakumo when it comes to the whole smart and possessive thing." Orochimaru grinned._

" _That arrogant little brat thinks he is untouchable only because Itachi is here." Kabuto sniffed turning his nose up._

" _I think I love this man." Rogu says in a shocked tone. "I wish I had balls big enough to hit on a married person in front of not only their spouse, but also their kids."_

" _Uchiha's are fucking insane." Zabuza says with a huff._

 _Haku frowns at his surrogate brother before tapping his arm._

" _Language."_

" _Whatever."_

"That's not very appropriate conversation for a family dinner." Haku scolds the 18 year old.

Several snickers and blatant laughter flooded the table at the young teens words.

Izuna smacked the back of his sons head and glared.

"Shut up no one wants to see or hear you pant over my friend like a bitch in heat." He growled.

"But dad."

"No buts, I am telling your mother when she picks you up tomorrow. Maybe a little of her tough love will straighten you out."

Shusui's mouth dropped in shock before he started to beg his father not to tell. Orochimaru placed another helping of Lasagna onto Haku's plate.

"You're my favorite child."

*Confessional*

" _I am like 98% sure that Oro has adopted Haku." Nure laughs._

"Come on dad, please don't tell mom." Shisui begged. "I mean most of the Hatakes love Uncle Madara anyway."

His statement set off a chain reaction of blushes, grunts and sneers. Sakumo groaned face planting onto the cherry wood table.

*Confessional*

"I guess Shisui won the Sunday brunch bet." Nure frowned picking at her nails.

" _We all know itachi is beyond hot when he is angry, That old fart doesn't have anything on him." Sakon grinned._

" _I prefer Madara Uchiha over the rest of his family." Ukon mumbled with a blush._

 _Sakon looks shocked and betrayed at his twins words._

" _Dude, what the hell?"_

*Confessional*

 _Kimimaro shifts nervously in his seat with a dark blush._

" _Could you blame me though?"_

" _I had no idea so many of the Hatake's wanted a piece of my old man. Obito frowns. "Imagine if they found out how much my clan members love Rogu because of his band."_

" _What is with this family's obsession with my uncle?" Sasuke questioned into the camera in confusion. "I mean I get that he's good looking, but that's true of all the Uchiha men."_

" _The downside of that hotness is your family's unhinged personalities." Naruto snickered._

 _Sasuke glared at the blonde frostily._

" _Screw you dobe."_

" _Is that an invitation." Naruto grinned tilting Sasuke's chin down to look at him._

 _Sasuke blushed a bit before turning his head away. Naruto just laughed._

" _Shut up."_

Orochimaru smirked into his wine as he watched his youngest slap his husband on the back of the head giggling. He glanced at the shell-shocked Fugaku, laughing Kushina, amused Minato, and the slightly offended Izuna. Oh how he loved when the whole family was together.


	3. Saku and Oro Plus 10

Rogu stared at the smiling kid as he took a drag of his cigarette. Nure took a long sip of her tea as her calculating gaze dragged over him. Kakashi leaned against the back of her chair with a bored stare. Naruto shifted nervously as the only adults he felt he could talk to remained silent. His companion, who had yet to drop his smile, sat just as quietly.

"Naruto, surely you could have spoken about this with your own parents." Nure said setting her teacup down on the coffee table.

"They wouldn't understand Sai's situation like Oro would."

"Then why didn't you go to Oro?"

Naruto blushed looking away from the eldest Hatake siblings.

"Dickless didn't think of that." Sai smiled.

The adults stared at the teen with shocked expressions.

"What?"

Naruto gave a self suffering groan. He did his best to keep Sai from being Sai but it was all for naught. Literally the first thing that comes out of his mouth is something that could potentially prevent him from getting a home.

"Excuse him he has no brain to mouth filter." Naruto laughed nervously.

" I can hear that." Rogu replied staring down at the ebony haired teen.

Nure glance back at her brother's with a knowing smile. They knew that look. It meant that she had some diabolical scheme up her sleeve. Somehow the next thing she said would be both a downfall as well as a source of great entertainment for them.

" I think he would be perfect for our family. His artistic ability would suit us and let's be honest with how he speaks father will be in a permanent face plant. Oro would never reject him, so why not?"

"So you're one of the children that was part of that sting operation to catch Danzo in the act of forming a brainwashed adolescent army." Orochimaru stated sipping his tea as he watched the smiling teen.

"Yes."

"You are also friends with my twins, Naruto, and Sasuke."

"Of course."

"Are you socially inept or something?" Rogu asked only to receive a slap to the head from a stone faced Orochimaru.

"I would be happy to become your guardian little one." Oro smiled softly. "We just need to inform Sakumo."

Rogu and Kakashi sighed in aggravation as they sunk into their seats on either side of their parent. Orochimaru smirked in amusement.

"Rogu, tell Nure to clear up a guest room. Kakashi, go inform your father of our new child. He's sulking in his study. Also, never try to hide something so important as a child, no matter how strange, in need from me again."

"Yes Oro, but why is dad sulking?" Kakashi asked morbidly curious for the answer.

"I wouldn't suck him off before I left for work this morning." Oro said as if he was discussing the weather.

"OH MY FUCKING GODS ORO TMI!" Rogu yelled rushing from the room.

Kakashi looked as if he wanted to heave up his lunch. He stood up slowly and left without a backwards glance. Orochimaru sipped his tea relaxing into the sofa. Sai still sat smiling serenely.

*Confessional*

"These kids act like I was never their age before. I've always been 100 steps ahead of the nest." Orochimaru smiled.

Sai, settled beside him, gives him a curious look.

"Have they never gotten away with anything?"

"Of course not, but I make them think they have."

"Teach me your ways….Oro."

"Of course snakelet."

"You guys are getting ANOTHER fucking sibling?!" Hidan asked in disbelief as he leaned back in one of their recording studio's chair.

"Wow, pretty soon you guys could start your own sports team." C laughed. "The Hissing Wolves."

"This is serious you idiots." Nure scoffed.

"Yeah, our whole family dynamic is about to shift. Don't you guys care even a little bit?" Rogu whined to his bandmates from where his face was half buried in Guren's thigh.

"We could use Nure's enormous forehead as a mirror to reflect the number of fucks I don't give." Indra said with a fake smile on his lips.

Nure glared at brunette willing his skin to catch fire and burn. Rogu snorted, burying his face into his girlfriend's stomach. Hidan laughed outright getting a slap on the arm from Nure for it.

"That's why Indra's the bitching friend." C laughed.

*Confessional*

"Indra is such a salty bitch." Guren sighed.

"If you wondering, best friends and bitching friends are two different groups of friends. Best friends are like siblings. You fight and love in the same sentence. Bitching friends are those people you rant and talk shit with over tea or a jog. Oro and his bitching friends are vicious. I once saw them tear apart one of the Hyuuga wives for bringing a mediocre apple pie to one of Biwako-sama's charity bake sales. Indra, while he is my bandmate, is a strictly bitching friend. His heart is too tiny and petty for any other kind of relationship. " Rogu informed with a shrug.

"I bet Kabuto will tell me all about the new sibling during pillow talk." Indra smirked picking his nails. "I just love the strain in his voice after one of our date nights."

Sakumo stared at his eldest with resignation.

"What?"

"Oro is adopting one of Naruto's friends. Apparently he's been through some shit and only Oro has the patience to deal with him." Kakashi told him as he leaned on the back of his father's chair.

Sakumo sighed tilting his head back against his son's arm.

"I guess If Orochimaru wants him he can't be all that bad."

Kakashi snorted in amusement.

"You might regret that statement after you sign all the paperwork old man."

Sai smiled as he sat before the youngest males of the Hatake bunch as well as Naruto and Sasuke. The Naruto was getting creeped out the longer the silence stretched on. Mitsuki giggled happily as he toddled around with a grip on Kaze's fur. Kimimaro kept a careful watch from his spot on the love seat.

"If your our sibling now you must have some good dirt to share. Right?" Sakon grinned.

Sai tilted his head before saying something that would wake the vengeful beast within the calmest of the clan.

"Well…" Sai started. "I heard from one of my studiomates that someone is picking on Kin-chan."

*Confessional*

"What." Naruto blinked in shock

"What." Sasuke froze.

"What." Sakon said wide eyed.

"Ooooooh shit." Ukon muttered softly.

"WHAT!" Kimimaro screeched.


	4. Leave it to Rogu

Rogu moves through several corridors of an upscale hotel building before pausing outside of a slightly open door. He turns to the camera with a mischievous smirk.

"Here we are." He whispered before banging the door open unexpectedly. "BOO MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Two of the three people present flinched in shock at the sudden intrusion, one continued to file his nails in disinterest.

"The fuck Hatake?!" Hidan shouted.

Rogu snickered before facing the camera again.

"Role call boys and girls!" He called cheerfully as he entered the room of glaring males.

"First up is our loud and proud drummer Hidan." Rogu called in a faux announcer voice as he pointed dramatically at the silver-haired male.

Hidan glared at the male a bit longer before smirking at the camera.

"Everyone already knows who we are so why are those shit cameras here?"

"They're heeeere so people can see how human and imperfect we are."

"Speak for yourself loser." Indra sniffed.

Rogu scoffed directing his arm in the brunette's direction.

"Our surly bitch of a brilliant singer/ pianist/ keytarist, Indra." He said lazily.

Indra flipped off his bandmate and went back to filing his nails. Rogu ignored him and turned to the blonde with a small frown.

"Here we have C our bassist and vocalist."

"Why are you doing this?" C asked.

"Well everyone at home was either at work, school, or in another city so I said it was cool for them to follow me." Rogu said lighting a cigarette and making his way toward the balcony of the hotel suite.

"We didn't agree though." C said confused.

"Just drop it." Hidan scoffed twirling his pendant. "It's easier if we don't fight."

"Exactly." Rogu smirked blowing smoke outside. "If you deal with this then you can all come to dinner tonight."

The group paused all movement at those words.

"Kin texted me that she saw Oro put 3 trays of mini cheesecakes in the 'don't touch' fridge." Rogu added smirking.

"We'll be there." Indra said immediately after.

*Confessional*

I knew they'd want to come." Rogu laughed. "As soon as people hear the holy trinity of the 'Don't Touch Fridge' they are corrupted to our way of thinking."

Hours later it was nearing 4 pm. Everyone was winding down from the day and waiting patiently for dinner to be ready. Sakumo nuzzled into his husband's throat and swayed their bodies through the kitchen. Orochimaru had stripped off his lab gear the moment he got home and replaced them with a pair of lounge shorts and one of Sakumo's shirts. The man was shamelessly indulging in the sight. Orochimaru shrugged off his handsy husband with a laugh and walked over to the oven. Sakumo pouted but left his love to his work. Orochimaru peeked into the oven to check on his roast before moving back to the stove top to finish sautéing vegetables in a large pan. When he deemed them ready he lifted the pan and placed on the rack above his beef to roast. He washed his hands and made his way to his sunroom only to find 4 of his children there. Upon seeing his entrance Sai immediately flipped to a new page in his sketchbook. Orochimaru gently lifted Mitsuki from the blanket palette the twins no doubt set up for him and held the sleeping toddler to him with a smile.

"Hey Oro, wanna bet Kabu-kabu has a girlfriend?" Sakon grinned.

"Why would I bet on my children's lives?" Oro asked with a raised brow.

"I know you and father bet on Kakashi and Obito moving in together and on whether Mitsuki would say Oro or papa first." Ukon said not looking up from his book.

*~*Confessional*~*

"Well, it appears I taught them too well." Orochimaru huffed in amusement.

"I think it's the pool boy." Orochimaru relented.

"I say it's his tutor." Sakon rebutted.

"If I win you have to bake every day for a month. Anything you want, but you have to put your all into it and only we can eat the desserts." Sakon grinned at his parent.

"If I win you can only play Barbie games for 3 months." Orochimaru smirked back.

Sakon scowled but nodded in agreement.

"Deal."

"Wonderful."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want in on this bet." Rogu laughed from the doorway.

He moved into the room plopping down beside his younger brother.

*~*~*~*Confessional*~*~*~*

"Even though Nure returned to Mist with Zabuza and Haku, Kakashi finally went to his own home, and Kabuto is back at school I still have kids around. I don't think I will ever experience empty nest syndrome." Orochimaru laughed.

The twins, and now Rogu, were occupying a large cushion that seemed more like a futon than anything. Orochimaru sat on a smaller cushion beside them with a sleeping Mitsuki cuddled in his lap. Sai remained quiet as he continued to draw from his position in front of his new parent.

"What are we betting on?" Rogu asked the twins.

"Who Kabuto is dating." Ukon informed him softly. "Oro thinks it's the pool boy Mangetsu and Sakon thinks it's that woman that tutors him in history."

"Put me down for someone similar to Oro, but way more salty." Rogu said to the younger twin.

Ukon's brow rose as he nodded.

"Oh and If I win Oro has to start a youtube channel." He said with mischief. "That way we all can have something to blackmail dad into doing our bidding with."

The kids all grinned in sadistic glee as their parent watched on with a content smile.

~*~*~* Confessional *~*~*~

"I've never been so proud of my little clutch." Orochimaru said wiping away an imaginary tear.

Kin sat huddled on her bed as Kimimaru silently fumed before her. Juugo sat next to her patting her shoulder in an attempt of comforting her.

"What good are your delinquent friends if you still get picked on?" He growled.

"It's not their job to protect me!" Kin fussed. "It's none of your business anyway."

Juugo glanced between the two with worried eyes.

*Confessional*

"Kimimaro really doesn't like bullying. He had over 15 detentions last year for kicking the shit out of Juugo's bullies." Kin informed. "Kakashi's friend Iruka works at our school and told me about how awesome it was. I don't think he meant to sound so happy about a student being a vigilante."

"Who is it?" Kimi asked calmly.

"No one."

"Kin." He breathed in slowly. "Who. The fuck. Was it."

Kin trembled a bit before revealing the bully was a teen named Sora. Sora had a habit of picking on Naruto and taunting Kimimaro with his position on the student council. Juugo winced at her confession.

*Confessional*

"THE BITCH ALWAYS THINKS HE HAS IMMUNITY FROM THIS!" Kimimaro growled gesturing to himself. "WELL GUESS AGAIN YA DRILL BIT FUCK!"

"Sora is Kimi's self-proclaimed rival and is in the habit of belittling some of the students. We are in the same anger management group and I know he has a huge crush on Kin. He is a 14-year-old punk pulling pigtails. But seeing Kimi angry is like seeing an angel bring down the wrath of heaven." Juugo sighed dreamily. "He's so beautiful when he's angry."

Kimi growled and gestured for Juugo to follow him.

The two retreated to his room so that the teen could calm down before dinner. It wasn't long after that the doorbell rang attracting Orochimaru's attention. He shifted Mitsuki in his arms so that his head would rest on his parent's shoulder. He made his way to the front door and opened it to reveal his 3rd child's bandmates. A cool smile stretched across his face as Hidan grinned at him on the threshold.

*Confessional*

"I swear Rogu's mom/dad always has it going on. I would literally kill to be in Sakumo's shoes and have that man call me daddy." Hidan grinned lewdly before he paused and his brow furrowed. "Oh shit, Is he gonna see this?"

"Rogu said we could have food." C cut in before Hidan could speak.

"Did he now?" Orochimaru hummed stepping back to allow the 3 inside. "I see I must drill proper etiquette for dinner guests into his head again."

"He definitely needs it if he invited us without telling you." Indra sneered glancing around the foyer. "Is Kabuto home by chance?"

Orochimaru stared at him in contemplation as he shut the front door.

*Confessional*

I do not like where this statement will be going." Orochimaru frown.

"I'm afraid he is back at his dorm now." Orochimaru replied leading them toward the sitting room.

Mitsuki shifted on his shoulder, slowly waking up and taking in the three following his parent.

"Oro, ninja." The toddler mumbled drowsily.

"I see them little one." He smiled shifting the boy onto his hip.

Rogu walked in just as his band took their seat. Oro was staring him down with a disappointed and slightly irritated look.

"You have guests son." Oro frowned.

Rogu gave a nervous laugh as Oro set Mitsuki on his feet and turned to go to the kitchen.

"Watch your bother."

Mitsuki watched his parent leave before looking over the group before him. His eyes widened when he finally got a good look at the brunette settled on the love seat. He rushed up to the frowning male with a large childish grin on his chubby face.

"Pretty ninja here to play?" He asked cutely glancing around as if looking for someone before pouting. "Kabu no here to play."

"Why would pretty ninja need Kabu to play?" C asked the child curiously.

Everyone in the room leaned in waiting to hear his answer.

"Kabu and pretty ninja play sex!" Mitsuki cheered loudly.

Glass shattered causing the group to whip around to see a slack-jawed Sakumo Hatake with, what use to be, a tumbler of whiskey in pieces on the ground at his feet.

"What was that?!" Orochimaru called in alarm rushing from the next room to check on them. Looking over to Mitsuki he sighed in relief that nothing happened to him. His gaze swept over the group before pausing on his husband.

"Sakumo?" He asked confused at his husband's still form.

Rogu just couldn't resist telling his parent that he lost the bet.

"Oro." He called out gaining the man's attention. "I win."

Orochimaru looked confused before Rogu nodded slightly in Indra' direction. The long-haired male's eye widened before a groan left his lips.

"Shit."

*Confessional*

"Kabuto is fucking Indra. ." Rogu said cockily. "Pretty and Salty as fuck, baby bro is dating the fucking ocean."

"While I don't exactly see how Indra and I compare, I will admit that the child has a lot of bite to him." Orochimaru admitted. "I guess I better start figuring out what to post videos of."


	5. REWRITE

Hi everyone! So I have decided to overhaul this story. I have gone back and re-read it a few times and there are far too many things that I feel need to be fixed, flushed out, or deleted. A lot of things will remain the same, but here are the major things that I will be changing.

\- Nure will be replaced with Kotohime (A member of the clan that joined Orochimaru in otogakure. I decided I wanted to use characters that already had semi-established personalities and since the character I based Nure's looks from was basically just orochimaru I figured Kotohime would fit better. Bonus: Oro apparently taught her the Koto and I find that all kinds of cute.)

\- Sai will already be integrated into the Hatake clan.

\- Rogu's band will be revamped and the new members will be Mangetsu, Haku, Utakata, and Yagura. (Bloody mist era boys)

\- I'm upping the shenanigans lol. A lot of characters are going to have a lot of 'being too extra' moments.

\- Some of the eldest Hatake Siblings, Kotohime, Rogu, and Kabuto, will have their relationships changed, for reasons that will appear later in the story, to Hana Inuzuka, Benten, and Mizuki respectively.

\- Ages are being been shifted in the Hatake family(and their respective age groups) to nearly resemble canon ages for some:

Sakumo - 54

Orochimaru - 50

Kakashi - 31

Kotohime - 30

Rogu - 27

Kabuto - 24

Kimmimaro - 21

Sakon -19

Ukon -19

Kin - 17

Sai - 17

Mitsuki - 5

I hope you guys Stick around. I'll leave the old story up in case anyone wants to read it.


End file.
